‘Positive Paisley’. This phrase is doing the rounds on social media and forms part of the mantra and strategic plan/language for the ‘Paisley City of Culture bid 2021’ (something I discussed in an earlier post here).
However, this phrase/slogan got me thinking about ‘positivity’ in general.
Shrouded by a history of negative thoughts, I often described myself as a ‘realist’, not negative, not glass half empty etc but a ‘realist’!
I often look back and wonder ‘why didn’t I seek help sooner?’. Coerced by my wife and mum to see the GP about my general low brooding moods, bouts of mild depression and anxiety – I finally took the plunge and made an appointment. After 6 months (slightly more), my whole perception and outlook on life has taken a dramatic turn. I have faced a lot of personal demons such as ageing, loss, responsibilities and closure on some past and persistent personal issues. Most importantly, I have learned how to accept and understand myself and understand that not all situations have closure. Something I seek constantly.
In the past (as mentioned above) I have intermittently disliked and misunderstood myself and felt that the world is against me. It wasn’t and it’s not. I hark back to school days and always felt I was different, unique and struggled to understand general male culture. I preferred (still do to an extent) the company of females… I felt no need (and still don’t) to behave in bullish shows of machoism and ‘be one of the lads’, which in an ironic twist 0f fate, got me into the odd scuffle when younger – because I felt I had to defend my differences, my lifestyle and in general ‘me’. These tendencies often set me apart from the crowd. I am not saying I was unpopular – this was never the case, I tend to think in most circles that I am and was fairly liked and thought of…. but I certainly stuck out [as did my ears back then]. Growing up I only had a few close friends and they remain so ’till this day. I am caring (maybe too much) of others, I am the ‘go to guy’ when a friend needs advice or an ear to listen and I believe these characteristics shaped my career, choosing HR (or did it choose me?).
As I have grown up, particularly in the last 4/5 years, I have come to accept myself for who I am and suddenly, as I have done this, it seems others have done so too. I know who I am and what I want and other people seem to respect and enjoy me for this.
I look back at years gone past and wonder how my wife put up with me. Reluctant to do new things due to social anxiety and mood swings that make ‘Kevin the teenager’ look pleasant and fun loving chap.
I never did get closure on some of the issues from my past that stay with me and haunt… the names some guys called me at school for my lack of alpha male tendencies… the questioning of my sexuality for the same reasons, or termed a ‘weirdo’ by people who couldn’t understand my love of music and the music I loved, alternative and fashionable clothes (not socks over trackies) and subsequent chosen professions and activities.
But the last 6 months in particular have been life changing and my eyes feel more open than ever! My senses more alert and my want for new experience has never been at a level of excitement that I now harbour. I have went through some pretty life altering things (a topic for another day – may she more light) and the world has opened my eyes.
My social anxiety is at its lowest for as long as I can recall. I am trying new things, socialising, contact old friends and opening up to new. The things that have followed me for a long time – feelings of rejection, lost friends, unanswered questions etc, I have come to accept that not everything has a beginning and an end. There isn’t always a clear answer. Sometimes, you [I] just need to accept this. Writing this blog was a huge step and I feel like I am bearing my lot to the world with every sentence and thought I reveal.
Now, when I feel low, instead of thinking about all the questions from my past that remain unanswered I instead focus on the those that are answered or the lessons I learned where no answers are evident. I am lucky, I married my soul mate and together we have the most amazing daughter! I have a home, career, good friends and family… I have flaws and have made mistakes in the past, but that’s where they remain – in the past! Everyday I am thankful for my life…. I am human and I am not perfect, far from it, but who is? I understand that I have been architect of my own problems from time to time but I strive to be better. A better dad, a better husband, a better friend… a better person.
And those unanswered questions? Well, I may never get closure or the answers I once searched. However, I look at these scenarios and consider what I learned and acknowledge the skills and experiences I would never have gained in life, if it wasn’t for those situations. I learned from being hurt. I learned from loss. I learned not to search for things that aren’t there. In essence – from every situation good or bad I have learned and grown as a person. ‘Positivity’.
I reflect on myself and how I have gown, changed and adapted over the years for the better and I welcome all the new experience yet to come… I am thankful for the push and a nudge to go seek help. I am thankful for the family and friends that I have.
I hope this way of thought can in some way help others who have struggled with depression, anxiety or who feel a bit low from time to time. My glass is most definitely half full. And in a lot of ways music helps me, motivates me, allows me to escape, offload and shapes my understanding that life, for all its difficulties is beautiful.
In full circle, I think about ‘positive Paisley’. This town has changed a lot over the years. The town centre (once a bustling hive of activity and shopping) is no more. However, the town has changed and adapted and continues to do so.
The town is suddenly alive with new restraunts, cafe’s, coffee shops, proposed new music venue as well as well as the existing strong heritage from the museum, to the Abbey, Town Hall and Observatory.
I, myself, have delved into this cosmopolitan local lifestyle living in the towns east end – I am lucky to have the majority of these amenities on my doorstep and often revel in the rejuvenated and diversifying culture. The town has a strong personality and a means of overcoming the negativity that has surrounded it for a decade or so. This really is a ‘positive Paisley’! I would recommend to anyone to come visit and enjoy the town for a day rather than the usual jaunt to Glasgow or the west end. The town is once again flourishing – just like it did in days gone past [Paisley Pattern anyone?] – it has adapted, diversified and is playing to its strength and I greatly hope it wins the city of culture award.
And I, like the town I live in, have character and personality and even in my darkest days I only need to look around and what I have, who I have and where I live to remind myself that things will get better, all I have to do is adapt, learn and grow. Positivity.
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