All the small things….

Today I collected my young daughter from my parents after a hard day’s graft at work.

Through out the day I was getting text updates from them (mum and dad… gran and grandpa?) spending time with my tiny 1 year old as they took to the beach at Largs and walked and played along the promenade.

It was a strange but extremely satisfying feeling, seeing this tiny little part of me, adored and doted over by her grandparents. I must make point and reference that this love, adoration and joy is reciprocal from my wife’s family (my in laws), however, I can only speak from my experience.

What I found satisfying and strange though, however, was the thought that one day, many moons ago, it would have been my sister or I being pushed in a pram, spoiled and doted over. It got me thinking about how thankful I am for having a great family, I’m truly lucky!  Its not the big things; the christmas gifts and grand gestures that I am thankful for – it’s the small things.

Like the time I broke my arm, my mum stayed in the hospital with me for a full week, night after night, sleeping on a chair and reading me to sleep. She didn’t have to – but she did it and never complained. Not once. The irony is I got out of hospital and got a present for ‘being good’… the woman deserved a medal!!

Or my dad getting up off of nightshift to take me to 9am football games all over the west coast, just to see me play.

I reflect on the shoulder my mum gave me the first time my heart was broken, how open I could be and the compassion she had.

My dad’s belief in me and willingness to get me into music (not to mention the money for instruments).

My in-laws – coming into my life and treating me like a son. Being there in some really difficult times when I felt my whole world fall apart.

My dad was there for me recently in making some life changing decisions – he never judged, just listened and offered me support. And this sums it up perfectly – my parents never lost faith in me. They somehow always have believed in and supported me, always. This belief and support has allowed me to find myself and accomplish things I didn’t think I could or would have…..

This summary barely scratches the surface, however, I think the point is obvious. All four of these parents in my life are a constant support and pillar. Whilst we don’t always agree with every point of view or agree with every decision, its human nature to disagree sometimes!

But it’s these small things and the commitments and sacrifices over the years that I, we (you?) take for granted and forget to say ‘thank you’ for.

I suppose, that’s all I am saying… Thank you.

And watching my four parents adore and give unwavering love and adoration to my daughter is one of the most satisfying feelings any parent, in fact, human can enjoy. It is love at its purest.

 

Music When The Lights Go Out

Friday 29th April. This is the day our band (Lemonhaze) release our latest single ‘Mercury’.

 

Months of hard work have went into this and it’s often unseen by the public eye. Hours gruelling over the writing process, moulding and shaping the sound and structure of the song, before finally entering the studio, spending hours laying down track after track, attempt after attempt in order to find the sounds you are happy with. Then – the hard work begins; Mixing, mastering, promotion and touring.

However, on the day our single release and the eve of our single launch it give me a moment to reflect upon the last 2/3 years that we have been a band. I started by reflecting upon the friendships I have formed with 2 strangers and how my relationship with my best friend has developed. The fascinating thing (actually amusing thing) is that I used to think I was a bit ‘strange’ or ‘different’…. then I met the band. The unique bond that seems to glue us together can easily be defined as a group of social misfits. I say this, not in a pretentious way, but in fact in a true and direct fashion (I am not sure they will like this description).

I think about some of the things we have achieved together and I am proud because mostly, they are things I never thought I would do from 25 onwards, I thought that the shipped had sailed. We have headlined/sold out venues like King Tuts, and even headlined Oran Mor, Manchester Club Academy and even supported Brit Pop legends ‘Cast’ at a sold out show in our home town. We have travelled the country and I laugh even thinking about the 4 of us crammed into a car with drums, guitars and amps on our laps, under us and squashed like a tin of sardines. However, not a moan or a grumble is heard or hard from us…. we love what we do and we love our journeys, just the band….. We speak and crack jokes that only we get, there are no rules, self deprecating, strange and jibing comments are the norm. I am convinced that no one else gets us, people look at us funny when we try to be ‘us’ in public or at venues etc – but thats part of the fun.

The mos recent example of such great times is last weekend as part of the ‘Mercury’ Tour, we travelled to the ‘Green Room’ Perth. It was a great gig, we were all in the zone ‘in tune’ with one another (bad pun?). The gig finished and the crowd seemed to enjoy us. However, the journey home summed it up the band. We were drunk (not Jon, he was driving) and the chat was at a high, jokes, random stories and wild comments were running free. We decided when we hit Paisley that the night should not end. Instead, I shouted ‘lets live the American Dream and never go home’. Steven told Jon ‘left is back to Paisley and right is where ever you want to go’.

We turned right.

2 hours passed and we were somewhere in lochlomond, sitting in the fresh air, drinking, smoking and talking. This was it, a band of brothers.

This experience, though, simple, defines the excitement of being a band. When every one is in the same zone, the same dream and goals… a band of brothers.

I particularly reflect on my relationship with my best friend, it has grown immense and  I am not sure how life would be if he [Jamie] was not there: Maybe less eventful? However, it has developed into some kind of strange marriage, a ‘Bert and Ernie’ type affair. But he’s my right hand man and sharing these experiences together allow me to remember at 12 years old (and right through teenage years), sitting with guitars together, attempting to write music and discussing how we would ‘make it’ in music (whatever that is?).

In some ways we have. We have not been a flavour of the month type of band, burning like a cheap candle. Nor have we been a promoters lap dog, only to be patted down when a newer prettier dog came along. Instead, we have done it our way and continue to travel, grow and develop what we do. We have played excellent gigs, venues and met some really great people. So what is making it? To me, making it is simple, its sharing music with others and playing it far and wide to people… we are doing that.

The best is yet to come though, next up is our Glasgow Single Launch in ‘Broadcast: Link’… a gig we are excited about it a neat little venue with plenty of character! Dates in Dunfermline and the famous 100 club, Soho with another Paisley band (mush more famous than us) the Close Lobsters: (London)compete the tour – a date and event I cannot wait to be part of.

I can’t explain the release, the joy and the escapism music provides. The Buzz, nerves and adrenalin stepping on to the stage and the release when the crowd cheer. It makes everything worth it. And one day, no time soon I hope, when the band is no more and the lights go out for the last time, I can look back and no matter what we do between then and now, I know that with what has came thus far, I will be proud.

What is there to smile about? All about me and the town that I live in.

‘Positive Paisley’. This phrase is doing the rounds on social media and forms part of the mantra and strategic plan/language for the ‘Paisley City of Culture bid 2021’ (something I discussed in an earlier post here).

However, this phrase/slogan got me thinking about ‘positivity’ in general.

Shrouded by a history of negative thoughts, I often described myself as a ‘realist’, not negative, not glass half empty etc but a ‘realist’!

I often look back and wonder ‘why didn’t I seek help sooner?’. Coerced by my wife and mum to see the GP about my general low brooding moods, bouts of mild depression and anxiety – I finally took the plunge and made an appointment. After 6 months (slightly more), my whole perception and outlook on life has taken a dramatic turn. I have faced a lot of personal demons such as ageing, loss, responsibilities and closure on some past and persistent personal issues. Most importantly, I have learned how to accept and understand myself and understand that not all situations have closure. Something I seek constantly.

In the past (as mentioned above) I have intermittently disliked and misunderstood myself and felt that the world is against me. It wasn’t and it’s not. I hark back to school days and always felt I was different, unique and struggled to understand general male culture. I preferred (still do to an extent) the company of females… I felt no need (and still don’t) to behave in bullish shows of machoism and ‘be one of the lads’, which in an ironic twist 0f fate, got me into the odd scuffle when younger – because I felt I had to defend my differences, my lifestyle and in general ‘me’. These tendencies often set me apart from the crowd. I am not saying I was unpopular – this was never the case, I tend to think in most circles that I am and was fairly liked and thought of…. but I certainly stuck out [as did my ears back then]. Growing up I only had a few close friends and they remain so ’till this day. I am caring (maybe too much) of others, I am the ‘go to guy’ when a friend needs advice or an ear to listen and I believe these characteristics shaped my career, choosing HR (or did it choose me?).

As I have grown up, particularly in the last 4/5 years, I have come to accept myself for who I am and suddenly, as I have done this, it seems others have done so too. I know who I am and what I want and other people seem to respect and enjoy me for this.

I look back at years gone past and wonder how my wife put up with me. Reluctant to do new things due to social anxiety and mood swings that make ‘Kevin the teenager’ look pleasant and fun loving chap.

I never did get closure on some of the issues from my past that stay with me and haunt… the names some guys called me at school for my lack of alpha male tendencies… the questioning of my sexuality for the same reasons, or termed a ‘weirdo’ by people who couldn’t understand my love of music and the music I loved, alternative and fashionable clothes (not socks over trackies) and subsequent chosen professions and activities.

But the last 6 months in particular have been life changing and my eyes feel more open than ever! My senses more alert and my want for new experience has never been at a level of excitement that I now harbour. I have went through some pretty life altering things (a topic for another day – may she more light) and the world has opened my eyes.

My social anxiety is at its lowest for as long as I can recall. I am trying new things, socialising, contact old friends and opening up to new. The things that have followed me for a long time –  feelings of rejection, lost friends, unanswered questions etc, I have come to accept that not everything has a beginning and an end. There isn’t always a clear answer. Sometimes, you [I] just need to accept this. Writing this blog was a huge step and I feel like I am bearing my lot to the world with every sentence and thought I reveal.

Now, when I feel low, instead of thinking about all the questions from my past that remain unanswered I instead focus on the those that are answered or the lessons I learned where no answers are evident. I am lucky, I married my soul mate and together we have the most amazing daughter! I have a home, career, good friends and family… I have flaws and have made mistakes in the past, but that’s where they remain – in the past! Everyday I am thankful for my life…. I am human and I am not perfect, far from it, but who is? I understand that I have been architect of my own problems from time to time but I strive to be better. A better dad, a better husband, a better friend… a better person.

And those unanswered questions? Well, I may never get closure or the answers I once searched. However, I look at these scenarios and consider what I learned and acknowledge the skills and experiences I would never have gained in life, if it wasn’t for those situations. I learned from being hurt. I learned from loss. I learned not to search for things that aren’t there. In essence – from every situation good or bad I have learned and grown as a person.  ‘Positivity’.

I reflect on myself and how I have gown, changed and adapted over the years for the better and I welcome all the new experience yet to come… I am thankful for the push and a nudge to go seek help. I am thankful for the family and friends that I have.

I hope this way of thought can in some way help others who have struggled with depression, anxiety or who feel a bit low from time to time. My glass is most definitely half full. And in a lot of ways music helps me, motivates me, allows me to escape, offload and shapes my understanding that life, for all its difficulties is beautiful.

In full circle, I think about ‘positive Paisley’. This town has changed a lot over the years. The town centre (once a bustling hive of activity and shopping) is no more. However, the town has changed and adapted and continues to do so.

The town is suddenly alive with new restraunts, cafe’s, coffee shops, proposed new music venue as well as well as the existing strong heritage from the museum, to the Abbey, Town Hall and Observatory.

I, myself, have delved into this cosmopolitan local lifestyle living in the towns east end – I am lucky to have the majority of these amenities on my doorstep and often revel in the rejuvenated and diversifying culture. The town has a strong personality and a means of overcoming the negativity that has surrounded it for a decade or so. This really is a ‘positive Paisley’! I would recommend to anyone to come visit and enjoy the town for a day rather than the usual jaunt to Glasgow or the west end. The town is once again flourishing – just like it did in days gone past [Paisley Pattern anyone?] – it has adapted, diversified and is playing to its strength and I greatly hope it wins the city of culture award.

And I, like the town I live in, have character and personality and even in my darkest days I only need to look around and what I have, who I have and where I live to remind myself that things will get better, all I have to do is adapt, learn and grow. Positivity.

Trump & the ‘American Dream’

Growing up in the 90’s, I was a consumer of the times. Waking to ‘saved by the bell’ on a Saturday morning, slipping on my light up ‘LA gear’ trainers, taking a trip to the town centre and deciding between McDonalds or Burger King (formerly Wimpy), home in the evening to settle down for the night with the latest Holywood movie [film] and dreaming to be just like the ‘cool kids’ in all the American shows! The glitz and glamour, sunshine and tans. Perfect white teeth, happy families smiling faces – the perfect way of life. I wanted to be an American. A perfect product.

The McDonaldisation of the world got me hook line and sinker.

Now, 29, these dreams seem a long time ago. The American reality.

As a consumer of those times I bought into this perfect product. Though, like most products, its never as good in real life as it is when advertised. After a while we see through the smiling faces, the tans and the glamour, we see the flaws. Never more so than in 2016.

The USA are gearing up to one of the most bizarre elections in their history and whilst I do not see myself as an expert in American politics, I, as a human, can only gawk in disbelief at the sights, scenes and news that make up this intriguing but hugely alarming election.

We live in the age of social media; twitter, Facebook et al. Smartphones, tablets, blogging, webcams etc all allow real people to have their say at the click of a button. Capturing film and footage, photo’s and commentary from real every day people that was/were otherwise unseen in years gone past. A medium which undoubtedly makes it harder for main stream media to be the only and ‘main’ beacon of information, shattering any illusions that any country is ‘united’ and living in unison and harmony.

Whilst the UK has its own issues [a conversation for another time] – and let me be clear, so does every nation, thus, this is not an attempt to bad mouth the US! Far from it. However, a lot of issues have been brought to the fore of late, due to this election campaign. Issues that had long been buried – not gone – but buried in the mainstream world when the ‘American Dream’ was at its hight. Issues of racial intolerance, divisions always burning on the inside but on the outside a perfect vision of harmony, ‘go get ‘em’ attitudes and opportunities for all. The USA – the land of the free.

April 2016, the election campaign is at melting point and so are tempers and emotions. Clashes (often very violent) between supporters of Donald Trump (Republican candidate and all round bully, racist, facist, sexist – basically anything that is negative and ends with ‘ist’) and those who appose him and his policies. It saddens me to think that now, this day and age, race issues, facism, sexism and intolerance are at the fore front of the the campaign fought by any political leader. Worse yet, is that his support is continuously growing. I mean, this is a man who wants to build a wall between Mexico and the US and have the Mexicans pay for it! (Berlin anyone?). He [Trump] ask’s his followers to physically assault campaigners who oppose him and he will ‘pay the legal costs’. These, only 2 of his moronic and barbaric comments, and I haven’t even scratched the surface! Poignant to add that the alternative candidates are not much better or in some cases worse, which may have added to current climate and growing support.

Alas, I can get to the crux of my interest and emotional attachment to this most bizarre of election campaigns; The USA is one of the most influential and powerful nations in the world and therefore ‘what does this mean for the rest of us’?….. Does american culture and Tv (which is prominent on all networks world wide) become more accepting of right wing, intolerant views? Does the behaviour displayed by Trump and his support become the norm and portray the American life throughout the world? How will this affect relations between all nations (including my own)?

I suppose we need to just wait and see. However, no matter the outcome, I fear the worst for the US, for world politics… for people and what will happen. Because this circus has come this far already and show’s no signs of slowing or of recovery. Change is looming and it may not be for the better.

I wish only the best for the USA and for every country and every human. For thats all we are – human! Flesh and bone on the inside, regardless of gender, race or belief on the outside.

The ‘American dream’ is an apt description. For that’s all it was (is). The good looks, smiling faces, happy families, tans, glitz – glamour, all just a mesmerisingly misleading wrapper on the true product, the ‘american reality’.

Black and White Town….

Like every other morning, 24th March 2016 began with my mobile phone alarm clock startling me from my slumber at 6:30am. Like every other morning, I immediately switched off my alarm and in a sleepy haze and with one eye open, make my way to my ‘Facebook’ app to quickly catch up on all the news, gossip, public shaming and melodramas that have occurred over night.

Unlike every other morning, there was one story that caught my eye (the open one that is) and confirmed some rumours I had heard prior. The headline in the local newspaper read “it’s the end of an era as the bungalow gets set to close” (Paisley Express). Now, I know pubs/venues open and shut down all the time. However, for me, this was the end of an era.

After completing my morning routine (shower and throwing clothes on for work), I made my way to the train station and onto the the train where I began to reflect on the news. Suddenly it hit me! I cast my mind back to a very poignant date in 2013. March 16th and 17th 2013 to be precise.

My band was still in its early and formative days and had only been together for around 3/4 months when we got the opportunity to play a gig in our home town, Paisley. The Bungalow Bar seemed to  be thriving around this time, harbouring live bands, music lovers and people who preferred sub culture to pop culture. However, this gig on the 16th of March could not have been better timed for us (lemohaze) or me, personally.

Cup fever was in the air and local Paisley team, St Mirren were due to meet Hearts in the league cup final, set to be played on the 17th March at hamden park.

Paisley was buzzing. There were banners, posters and signs in public streets, bars and restaurant wishing the team luck.

Gig night arrived (16th March) and The Bungalow was busier than usual. The town was busier than usual. Bars rammed with Saints fans who were either confidently starting the party early OR, most likely out for a few drinks to settle nerves, pass time to the next day. Regardless of their motives, this was an opportunity for us as a band, mostly saints fans, to get the crowd on side.

The gig was a blast! we played well and managed to get crowd buy in from the start by simply stating we were ‘Paisley boys and saints fans’ – this struck a chord (excuse the pun) with the audience… we were one. We even managed to get a sing along to ‘oh when the saints’ for a few moments before blasting into another track. The gig ended and it was a success! We were buzzing and the energy in the town was alive. I must add, we all cut the night short, straight home to bed for a sleep for the day ahead, it could be huge for the team, the fans and more importantly – the town.

17th March 2013 began like no other day…

As a life long saints fan cup finals aren’t too often. I was born and was only 2 months old when we won the Scottish cup in 1987 and had my heart broken at 1 major cup final since [at this point I’ll move swiftly on].

Hampden stadium was a sea of black and white (the team colours) and there were more fans than I had ever seen at a St Mirren game before. This is when it occurred to me. This is not just a game for the fans but for the town! There were people here who weren’t strictly fans but were ‘buddies’ [the nickname given to people from Paisley and St Mirren fans] and were here to support their home town and local team.

Unbelievably, St Mirren came back from a goal down to win 3-2 and life the cup. The fairytale came true! Furthermore, local lad and lifetime saints fan Stephen Thompson bagged the second goal!

Back in Paisley that evening, thousands and thousands of fans lined the streets in what seemed like a 2 day party. We were national news! The party seemed to last for days and the town reaped the benefit.

2016, three years after the events of that glorious March weekend and Paisley has bid for ‘City of Culture 2016’. Now, first off, there is no doubt that Paisley is indeed a town rich in culture and steeped in history, though, it seems a far cry from the state of affairs in 2013. For example, the team hit a low and were relegated, now playing in the second tier of Scottish football and for years, high street stores have closed  (not a recent trend – admittedly) and been replaced by budget stores. A recent jaunt down the high street was melancholic and barely echoed the days gone past.

Finally, now, 24th March 2016 my attention turns to the bungalow bar and the end of an era.

It occurred to me, Paisley needs a thriving football team. Not for selfish reasons (me being a fan) but more so, events like 2013, how it harmonised the community, the optimism, the ‘buzz’ and not to mention the financial outcomes this brought local businesses. Paisley needs this. Paisley also needs a thriving music scene and closure of the Bungalow Bar in such times as we are looking to promote ourselves to gain ‘city of culture’ status, seems like a further dent in the towns pride. Rumours circulate that the venue will re-open, new owners at some point down the line, however, regardless, it certainly seems like the end of an era.

For what it’s worth, I am still immensely proud of the town I come from and live in. From the beautiful architecture, stunning churches, buildings, Town Hall and the abbey, to the ‘Paisley Pattern’ (a world famous design) and the thriving restaurant scene which is reinvigorating to the nightlife and culture. This town is beautiful and will rise again! I mean, William Wallace was a buddie… (Elderslie, close enough – educated in Paisley, or so they say) so there is fight in this old dog yet…. And I know one or two people in the corner fighting for paisley, forever talking it up in the local and national media.

The aforementioned dining and coffee scene has really started to boom in Paisley and there are others involved in voluntary showcasing live music from some of the UK’s top bands, here, in our Town Hall, all the handwork of ‘LnP promotions’. These enthusiastic and tireless people (whom I have had the pleasure to get to know) deserve credit for their hard work and for their pride in celebrating all things good about Paisley. I hope for our sake that they succeed and continue to do this for years to come!

24th March 2016 did not end like every other night. I sat on my bed, furiously typing and recounting memories of Paisley gone by, the changes in just 3 years, positive and otherwise. Upon reflection,whilst Paisley still has fabulous people, those who have never lost faith in the towns beauty, history and potential, there is no doubt in my mind that this black and white town thrives upon days like 17th March 2013. Moments that unite and bond the community, people from all walks of life who were brought together by a successful local team and for to celebrate our town’s achievements. However, the town also requires a venue like the bungalow bar (and more like it), showcasing the the next generation (as well as the current and past generations) of talent to emerge from this unique and ever surprising town. My town. A place I am proud to call home.

The day I caught the train

The 16:42 Glasgow Central to Canal Station train. This is where I decided I would take the leap. I always wanted to share with others my own experiences and become a more adventurous and less self conscious person – this was my inspiration to start a blog… This and my passion for language and words.

I get genuinely excited by words… Learning a new word, its meaning, definition and use is one of my many strange quirks. I mean, who doesn’t feel ‘dead alive’ by the very mention of an oxymoron?!

The first sentence was always going to be the hardest! How to open up, grab people and to start explaining the purpose of my blog was always going to be the hard part. ‘Once i get going I’ll be fine’ I told myself. And so, I spent the next 15 minuets deciding how best to begin and thats when I asked myself the following questions….

What did I want to write about? Who did I want to write to (my audience)? And how did I want to write?

These questions helped think about who I am and what I was trying to achieve and therefore, I will start with the basics…..

I am 29, married, have an amazing 1 year old daughter, work 9-5 ‘in the city’ and live in a suburban area of beautiful town called Paisley (a a fact I am very proud of). Nothing abnormal there. The one thing I have that may set my life style apart is that I play in a band and try to do the whole tour thing, releasing music and generally escaping from the former mentioned realities of work and adult life. However, at this point, I want to be clear, this blog is NOT about my band (though sometime it may feature) but about all other aspects of my life.

This is an opportunity  for me to do something, conquer things that to this point I have been unable to. Despite being the front man of a band and, admittedly, at times being flamboyant, when I am not on stage I am often uncomfortable in large crowds, uneasy and distant. That’s not to say that when I am on stage I am ‘acting’, I’m not! But music has always (like for many) been my escape from reality – a release from real life! It has always been my way of coping and expressing my anxieties, documenting life’s ups and downs and discussing (often in a cryptic fashion with artistic licence) my bouts of depression and fears.

Furthermore, when it comes to opening up to new people or in groups about ‘me’, I am very wary! I am not someone with lots and lots of friends but someone with a select group of good friends. I am afraid of often just being me. Why? Simple. I am not really ‘a lad’ and I often mock myself and can be quite self deprecating as some people tend to find such traits as ‘odd’ or hard to understand.

Its also worth mentioning my job. I work in HR and in stark contrast to the above, its a people focused role and I love it. I am passionate about helping others (i am often the go to guy in my  circle of friends when they need an ear). Though, my job involves delivering material and training groups, helping people with personal and professional issues, rational thinking and speaking in groups – I am actually fairly competent and comfertable. I understand this may seem an odd contrast with my earlier personality traits, I can quantify the reasons. At work when delivering materials to groups and audiences (such presentations) these situations are not about my personal thoughts, opinions or emotions but instead about facts and figures based upon performance and outputs and the usual ‘business stuff’ and I can detach. My natural care and empathy for others allows me to manage situations in personable manner and put others needs first. An now, the rational of my blog and the answer to the questIons I asked myself in the beginning…

I want  to write about life as a late 20’s, husband/married individual, with children but also open myself up to new experiences, opportunities, learnings and discuss with others the differences we can make  share opinions and  opportunities to have experiences. I want to be more open and receptive to life and not a ‘boy afraid’ of trying new things, scared to put himself out there!

And with all this in mind, I will write about and document the above: The good and bad experiences, local issues, national and international issues, new music and social events, my thoughts and well, anything worth talking about.

In short, I want to keep an open mind, learn and share with others.

 

 

 

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